January 7th 2015

I’m going to bitch for now.

It has been a week into this New Year.  My dog Sam had a scare, eating copious amounts of chocolate.  He ended up fine, but running outside for diarrhea for 2 days wasn’t a fun task.  In other news, I have run my car into a deer.  It doesn’t look great. I’m a little stressed.  I’m nervous the insurance will not just fix my car, that they might total it out.  I cannot afford a new car right now, nor can my credit. I’m just getting over buying the car in the first place with all the hits the dealer did initially (year and half ago).  By the way, when is it normal that hard hits last 2 years? The fuck? This overall credit repair process is taking me longer that I would hope.  

Yet B can “one-click” and get a premier rewards American Express card.  He can walk into Metro Mattress and walk away with a $2k iCloud touch Tempurpedic mattress.  Must be nice.  He’s done worse shit than I have.  I, on the other hand was turned down from Amex and was instead approved for a Capital One.  With a whopping $500 credit line. Um… 

One day I can turn it around.  

Also, I felt water pouring down my chest about a week ago.  It felt so real I opened my shirt as I was driving. No water there. Not even damp.  I wonder what that means.  Google says I have a neurological disorder.  That’s nice. 

In 3 weeks I have classes again.  Accounting.  Human Resource Management. Management Information Systems.  I have to finish my degree, I’m so close.  It is the only thing I have left in this life that has some sense of accomplishment other than I can successfully down 11 double cheeseburgers and still have my youthful slim frame intact. And I’m 27.  This degree is the horizon and it’s so close I can taste it. The fact is…I really. Really. Really don’t want to.  

I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to write a paper. I don’t want to take a test.  Never mind I have straight A’s. And they all look pretty on my Academic Summary. Regal. Unchanging. A pillar of knowledge sequined with the most angular and prestigious letter of them all. Never mind how hard I worked hard for that “A” in leadership, wrote essay after essay. 100, 100, 100.  I worked equally as hard if not harder on the final paper.  Get back a 98.  The fuck? This was supposed to be perfect. I was defeated and I was surprised how much that defeated me.  Golly Batman, I’m an asshole. I now feel “meh” towards all of it and it is all a cauldron of stupidity.  It’s the same shit over again. 

I want to lay around all day and binge watch old tv shows on Netflix.  I want to watch House of Cards and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo because the cinematography makes me want to rearrange my desk, my bathroom, my closet, my wardrobe, my life. It is so crisp, clear, and pragmatic. The wash of monochrome and MacBooks and pressed shirts and Tom Ford winter coats.  I want to eat leftover shit from the fridge and scroll through Expensivelife Tumblr on a down comforter and marvel at photos of Cara Delevingne and delicious pictures of coffee and scones. 

I don’t want this business degree.  I don’t want to work for insurance.  I don’t want a Chevy Sonic.  When you hit a deer, they crumple into a reflection of my shit life.  So maybe this year I should change that.  Maybe I should try to self reflect and figure out what the fuck is going on and do something about it. Because, let’s face it, no else is going to.

I dont understand what is wrong with people.